I have been stuck within a crazy magickal experiment for about a month. can't say what the experimental belief was but I guess I can say it was my first LHP fact-finding mission. And I'm not the world's biggest fan of the LHP. I remember the moment of calling it up, and I can see from the memory that I agreed to it fairly enthusiastically, with a good sense of how illicit and dangerous the places were that I was gonna go, but pretty much instantly I was appalled at myself for having taken it on. turned out worse than I bargained for, natch, but I really shoulda fuckin' known better. been basically scared shitless the whole time, not to mention feeling really stupid and embarrased but needing to hide it, plus other fucked up things were happening in my personal life making the stress much worse. now I'm taking Crowley on "oaths are irrevocable" much more seriously. it was like a month long flashback of all the awful things I experienced in college with no break. got almost nothing done the whole time because I was forced to constantly be running away from myself because I couldn't take the stress. think I finally found the way out. made an agreement with the Rainbow Tunnel to walk away from the focus and not go back. or at least to not budge from reminding myself not too. (need to move away from that whole region of the Symbolic.) decided next year I will stage the death of the fade ranger. coming out of the fade cave. saw an amazing Jesus Lizard Show (found my first quiet there, and began calming habits again), then John Cleese which was most psychoanalytical. Need to be clean for TMBG at the Fillmore tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure that I can keep the insights I've gotten on the thing working to maintain a self-calming regime, but it's going to take a lot of purging and redemption before I feel clean. right now I feel really fucking dirty, like the Tool song goes "shit adds up at the bottom."
it's weird how unreal this all feels to me, where I'm at now. had forgotten it was possible to invoke so much force, be so completely out of touch with reality for so long. it was not quite a delusional state, because at all times I was aware in some part of me that I did not believe in the delusions and paranoiac criticism I was subject to. but it was more intense than I've ever experienced, and the part of me that seemed convinced seemed pretty fucking convinced. but at no point did I lose anything that I was holding sacred. I'm trying to rationalize it as a kind of trial by fire, but I'm well aware that it's more like learned a terrible lesson fucking around with fire. I can say that I've learned a ton about the Shadow and had a bunch of really fun ASC experiences worth writing about, but I have also paid a terrible price, both in terms of my health and my security. Lovecraft on "do not call up any ye cannot put down" has been a constant presence. but I don't have enough knowledge of the mechanisms to be sure about what's going on or how to stop it. SCARY SHIT
that all said, I'm glad to have learned various ways of having a shit ton of highly illegal fun, although I'm not sure if I've learned how to "get away with it." I'm grateful to have the information at my fingertips although I'm not happy about having to live with the consequences of the project. Hopefully once I get clear of it (I am merely free of it now, but I need distance from the wound and magnetic influence). reading lots of Jung, Zizek, Foucault, and the PKD lectures on Schizophrenia and that's beginning to help. observing all the pathology at work/school is helping get some perspective too.
readers: if any of this sounds familiar I'd be interested to hear about similar experiences, and what the recovery looks like.